5 Mistakes Couples Make When Trying To Heal From An Infidelity
I work with infidelity almost daily and here are a few missteps I see couples making when trying to heal:
The Hurt Partner Creates a Surveillance State
The partner who has been cheated on naturally wants to tighten their hold, but creating a surveillance state in the form of monitoring phone calls and GPS locations usually doesn’t work. In these cases, the relationship is defined by “protecting the borders” as opposed to nurturing the uniqueness of the emotional bond. True trust demands that we tolerate what we don’t know about our partners, and intimacy can easily be squeezed out by these attempts at control. It’s more important that the hurt partner be able to genuinely communicate their pain in a way that the offending partner can hear. If the couple is to truly heal, the goal must be “you are with me because you’ve chosen to be,” and not “you are with me because you’re not allowed to be with others.”
Treating Trust as All-or-None
The answer to the question “Do you trust me?” is always “...to do what?” It’s perfectly reasonable for a hurt partner to trust his or her spouse to, say, go to the grocery store, but also kindly request they don’t leave town for work until the relationship feels more solid. Understanding that trust is incremental also helps the offending partner realize that they haven’t “lost ground” just because they seem to have trust one minute but not the next. Forgiveness, particularly for something as painful as an affair, doesn’t come all at once.
Trying to Heal Alone
It is often overlooked that the offending partner is hurting, too. They may have very reasonable grievances that, while not justifying the affair, need to be addressed for the relationship to heal. In some cases, the hurt partner is grieving the loss of the affair partner. They may experience themselves as having taken the moral high road by recommitting to be faithful, yet still experience a gut-wrenching loss. This is a loss that needs to be mourned if the couple is to heal, but it is not usually something the couple can do alone. Hurt partners cannot be expected to “hold” the offending partners’ pain. A compassionate and trained professional is in the best position to help each partner process their grief.
Using Therapy as Penance
It’s not uncommon for a hurt partner to want the offending partner to go to therapy as a form of punishment or penance. While I’m happy to receive clients who find themselves in this situation, experience shows that therapy is best approached with the mindset “what can we learn from this?” Partners who use therapy to make the other suffer are typically roping the helper into a long-standing pattern of hurt and retaliation. This dynamic ultimately has to be broken if the relationship is to heal. I tell offending partners that my job is to lovingly hold their feet to the fire without throwing them in! We can learn accountability without being unnecessarily harsh.
Making the Affair the Defining Feature of the Relationship
For some couples, the gravity of an affair becomes the sun their world together revolves around. For the hurt partner, it is emblematic of all the pain the other has ever caused them. For the offending partner, it is symbolic of them finally taking something for themselves. Subsequent conflicts are both fueled by and reinforcing of this injury. In therapy, our best hope is that the couple can begin to have new, restorative experiences such that the infidelity becomes a part of their relationship narrative, not the entirety of it.
Here are a few tips that can make it easier:
Get The Right Kind of Help
Couples seek therapy after an affair for a number of reasons, some of them more helpful than others. Hurt partners often want a professional to reinforce their anger, while offending partners are frequently seeking vindication. Still others want the counselor to decide if they should stay together. Therapy does not provide clear cut answers, but instead serves as a forum to process the betrayal.
Prioritize Sexual Health
Both partners should get tested for sexually transmitted infections and should continue to protect themselves as directed by a medical professional.
Ask the Right Kind of Questions
The hurt partner naturally is flooded with questions begging for answers. Questioning the offending partner on motives and meaning is likely to produce growth-promoting conversations. (e.g, “Did you think of me?” “Were you worried about losing me?”). In contrast, questions about the sexual acts themselves tend to be less productive. These “detective” questions are often asked before partners can understand the implications of knowing. A professional can help hurt partners weigh the cost and benefits of getting “the full story.”
Understand Infidelity As An “Erotic Injury”
An infidelity is often described in terms of betrayal and broken trust, and it absolutely should be. But I also like to explicitly define infidelity as an “Erotic Injury.” It is a wound to the erotic life of the couple that may impact desire & desirability, the ability to give and receive pleasure, the ability to feel connected through sex, as well as the self-esteem and sexual confidence of invidual partners. Viewing the infidelity in these terms allows us to address them specifically in therapy, which is necessary for more complete healing.
Don’t Make Big Life Decisions
Infidelities are traumatic in that the basic assumptions of a relationship have been violated. In the whirlwind of the aftermath, it might be tempting to make reactionary decisions such as divorcing, selling the house, or moving away. Partners are frequently not in the state of mind to make these kinds of big decisions. My rule of thumb is to wait at least 6 months. A common exception is when the infidelity is clearly an exit-strategy for the offending partner.
Every couple is different and some of these guiding principles may not apply to you. There are few hard-and-fast rules for recovery, but I hope this list gives you something to go off of as you begin your healing journey.
Faithfully yours,
Hayden
