INTENTIONAL DATING

In the aftermath of a breakup or divorce, one of the most common questions after the initial shock and turmoil is “when and how do I date again?” Dating after a long-term relationship or marriage brings its own complexities including:

Dealing with changes in dating landscape including online dating

-Identity shifts from “partnered” to “single”

-Questions about sex and sexuality

-Concurrent grief of previous relationship

-Feelings of guilt about dating

-Shame and self-esteem issues from break up

-Opting in or out of deliberate singlehood

-Dating while co-parenting

-Rebuilding social networks that may contain possible dating partners

-Rebuilding life outside of dating

If you are dealing with any of these, I am here to compassionately guide your process so that you can have the kind of dating life you want and deserve.

The advent of online dating in recent decades represents a seismic shift in how humans meet and connect. But while opportunities for connection, pleasure, and even love abound, this technology brings challenges of its own. In a recent study, a majority of men (57%) reported feeling that they didn’t receive enough messages from people they were interested in while 1/3rd of women reported receiving too many messages. In the same study, 7 out of 10 respondents agreed that lying on dating platforms is a common occurrence. Some users, particularly young women, even report being harassed or sent unwanted messages or pictures. It’s clear that individual experiences with online dating platforms varies considerably.

Despite the drawbacks, the online dating genie is unlikely to go back in the bottle and will remain a popular way to meet people. If you’re considering online dating, I can help with the following:

-Safely navigating the online dating world

-Selecting from the myriad apps and services

-Practical aspects of building a profile and initiating conversations

-Managing emotions including feelings of rejection, fear, grief, lust, excitement, “dating fatigue,” & more

-A “no gimmicks” approach to building attraction

-Clarifying what you want out of dating

-Laying the foundation of a healthy sexual and/or intimate relationship

-How to be a “good ender” even if you aren’t a “good picker!”

(Full disclosure: I met my partner on a dating app and couldn’t be happier…so it definitely IS possible!)

Fear of rejection is a common concern when it comes to dating. This fear can be so overwhelming that it becomes paralyzing. Persons with this fear my opt to “play it safe” staying at home and avoiding situations where they might meet new people. This often has the affect of compounding loneliness and creating more pressure around rejection. The cycle of loneliness–fear–avoidance can take on a life of its own.

The problem here lies less with the “no” you might receive and more with the story you start telling yourself upon hearing it. Your thoughts might be overly negative, distorted, and/or judgmental. These thoughts — not the rejection itself — create the bulk of suffering.

When we think about it rationally, not everyone is going to be interested in you, and that’s ok. I make room to be disappointed that a potential connection didn’t pan out, but I am pretty adamant that no single human being has the power to dictate your worth! If you’re struggling with fear of rejection, lets talk about how I can help you liberate yourself from your own self-limiting mindset.

A lot of my clients describe a sense of anxiety when it comes to striking up a conversation with someone new. This is commonly referred to as “approach anxiety” and it can be quite debilitating.

Fortunately, approach anxiety has almost nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with your own mindset and self-limiting beliefs…which means you can change it! I can help you reframe the way you approach so that you can meet people with more authenticity and confidence.

Overcoming approach anxiety is certainly a piece of the dating puzzle, but in my experience it is often over-emphasized. When it comes to dating “strategies,” I prefer building a lifestyle that attracts over an endless string of cold approaches, which to me feels a lot like selling vacuums door-to-door! If you struggle with approach anxiety, I’d like to help you overcome it while also assisting you in creating multiple other avenues for making connections.

I often think of dating in terms of two big tasks. The first is getting a clear look at someone’s character. I like to borrow Robert Glover’s terms “Really Great Guy (RGG)” and “Really Great Woman!”

The next important task after determining that someone is a RGG or RGW is to decide what place they have in your life at this particular juncture.

When we date unintentionally, we usually fall into what I call the “you’ll do!” pattern. This leaves us vulnerable to developing unhealthy relationships. We may find ourselves with people who are not-so-great for us.

Usually this happens due to no ill-intent. Most of us receive precious little guidance on what a healthy intimate relationship looks like. We don’t know health when we see it and consequently we don’t recognize dysfunction when we’re living it!

Having spent thousands of hours working with individuals and couples from all walks of life, I am in a unique position to offer you an honest assessment of your relationships strength’s and growth edges. I can help guide you on the path to cultivating the kind of relationship you truly want.

The transition of a conversation partner to a sexual partner is an exciting one and can be an invigorating part of dating! But it can also drum up all sorts of questions and concerns, including:

-How soon to be sexual with a new partner

-How to pursue a “hook up” with integrity

-How to pursue sex with a potential longer term partner

-How to pursue multiple sexual partners with integrity i.e. “playing the field”

-Communicating sexual preferences and desires

-Consent and protection against unwanted pregnancy and/or STIs

-Concerns with sexual confidence

-When and how to talk about previous sexual partners

-Sexual performance anxiety

-Dealing with sexual regret or other intense feelings that may follow being sexual with a new person

-General sex education

-Questions or curiosities about sexual orientation/sexual partner preferences

As a sexual health professional, I am in a position to help you with all of these areas and more. If, in the course of dating, you find yourself in need of a competent and compassionate professional with whom to discuss sexual concerns, please do not hesitate to reach out.