BREAKUP & DIVORCE COUNSELING
“The only whole heart is a broken one because it lets the light in.”
― David Wolpe
About Breakup & Divorce Counseling
As humans, we are wired to connect. We seek out love no less fervently (and sometimes more so!) than water, food, or air. Inevitably, in our humanness, we “fail” in our search. We get spurned, stood up, or ghosted. We spend a few years together before life sets us on separate paths. For some of us, we find love and believe our search to be over. We pledge ourselves, we imagine we will grow old with our partners, and then, seemingly, they abandon us.
Separating at any stage of relationship brings unique challenges. A series of rejections and false starts can produce intense pain, even drumming up wounds and insecurities from childhood. The demise of longer-term relationships is often complicated by financial and social disentangling. Both partners can experience a variety of serious symptoms, including depression, insomnia, feelings of worthlessness, lack of motivation, and impairment at school or work.
My goal as a therapist is to help you use a breakup as a springboard to spiritual development, bringing the best and most precious parts of you to the fore. I can help you define yourself more clearly and gain clarity on what you want out of life. No matter where you are in your process, I am happy to walk with you on your path to self-recovery.
Benefits of Breakup & Divorce Counseling
Provide a safe space to process complex emotions of sadness, relief, anger, and grief
Discover practical ways to get emotional and social needs met
Understand the biology of detachment in order to practice better self-care
Begin rebuilding broken trust systems
Clarify and recondition values
Gain practical tools for separating with integrity
Explore identity in the new context of singlehood
Help discerning when and how to date again
Recover self-esteem potentially damaged by negative relationship interactions
Lessen stress of impending breakup or divorce
Common Reasons for Seeking
Breakup & Divorce Counseling
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Whether you have made the decision to walk away from a relationship, or you are on the receiving end of some unwanted news, you are likely to feel a mix of intense emotions. Many clients report unique combinations of anger, shock, sadness, despair, guilt, lust, shame, grief, numbness, confusion, self-loathing, fear, uncertainty, and more. I can help you sort through these difficult feelings to regain clarity and peace of mind.
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Unfortunately, breakups and divorces are established predictors of suicide attempts. The combination of intense emotional pain, loss of social support, uncertainty, financial strain, and stress understandably leads many people to a dark place inside themselves. Romantic notions of “not being able to live without you” might further inflame this already challenging transition. No one should have to navigate this time alone.
As a culture, I believe our relationship with relationships is broken, and our relationship with breakups is even more so. You deserve a soft place to land in the midst of your divorce or breakup, a kind of “heart hospital” (and not the kind that does stents!) If you’re struggling with intense sadness, grief, despair, depression, and even suicidal thoughts, I am here to support you on your road to acceptance and peace.
Note: If you are actively suicidal, please call 911 or proceed to the nearest emergency room.
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Separating, particularly if you have been together for a long time, often creates significant disruptions in social support systems. Friends sometimes feel compelled to “choose sides” and you may not feel as comfortable in social situations as you did when you were partnered.
In other cases, a person may exit a relationship only to realize that their partner made up the bulk of their social contact. You may find yourself needing to build a support system more or less from scratch.
Whatever the particulars of your case, I am here to provide a base for you to navigate the complexities of a post-breakup social world.
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Many clients tell me that they cannot stop thinking about their ex. In some ways, this is to be expected. After all, you have lost an important person in your life, and I want to honor and support this as a normal part of grief.
At the same time, persistent and intrusive thoughts about an ex can be quite debilitating. They can be accompanied by other distressing thoughts including self-ridicule, self-blame, and questions of self-worth.
Therapy can help strike a balance between honoring an important other and grieving so that you can progress in your life in a meaningful way.
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It’s not uncommon for relationships to end with an infidelity or other significant betrayal. Sometimes the break up is the result of a betrayal, while other times a person may use it as an “exit strategy” from an already ailing relationship. In any case, betrayals big and small, intentional or not, are likely to create immense suffering for both parties.
If you have been on the receiving end of a betrayal in the midst of a break up, I am here to help you find your footing and regain a sense of peace. If you find yourself on the perpetrating side of a betrayal, I am here to non-judgmentally support you as you re-define your values.
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Breakups and divorces can create significant disruptions in our sense of identity and our self-esteem. We may internalize cultural views that people in relationships are somehow “better” and struggle with the transition of identifying as “partnered” to identifying as “single.” What’s more, ailing relationships are often themselves damaging to self-esteem. Few of us learn how to exit relationships gracefully, and unfortunately much damage is often done on the way out.
If you’re struggling with feelings of low self-worth in the wake of a breakup, I am here to help you recover (or discover!) a renewed sense of self-love. I am also here to help you redefine your own set of values and goals as you begin a new chapter of life.
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The end of a relationship that involves cohabitating, shared finances, shared possessions, children, and/or shared social groups demands a significant amount of disentangling. There may be conflicts around who moves out, who lives where, who gets what, and more. These conflicts can compound an already stressful transition involving fear, anger, and uncertainty. If you’re in the midst of disentangling, I can help support you while encouraging more constructive forms of communication.
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Breakups are often accompanied by questions regarding sex and sexuality. You may be wondering when it is “appropriate” to be sexual with another person again. You may have intense feelings of lust and yearning for your previous partner. You may have even have feelings about your own sexuality. Some clients report feeling “used up” or “discarded.” This is especially true in cases where the relationship that has ended is the first sexual relationship.
First of all, I am here to tell you that you are a human being and you deserve sex and pleasure! The end of a relationship has no bearing on your worth as a person or your value as a sexual and intimate partner. The sexual aspect of your relationship will have to be grieved alongside other aspects of your relationship, but I am here to support you in rediscovering and exploring yourself as a sexual being anew.
Recommended Resources
An Open Letter to the Broken Hearted, Hayden Lindsey
Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships, Diane Vaughan
No Breakup Can Break You: The Definitive Recovery Guide for Men, Nick Dawson
Divorce After 50: Your Guide to the Unique Legal and Financial Challenges, Janice Green
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times, Pema Chodron
Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Ever After, Katherine Woodward Thomas
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship, Mira Kirschenbaum
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Surviving Through and Recovering from the Five Stages That Accompany the Loss of Love, Susan Anderson
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