DISCERNMENT COUNSELING

Nothing throws a couple into crisis quite like an infidelity. The norms of the relationship have been violated, often traumatically. Trust has been broken. Questions — some without hope of answers — swirl for both partners, not the least of which is “Are we through?”

Infidelity can certainly topple a relationship on its last leg, but it can also sound the alarm, snapping both partners to attention. If a couple can navigate the initial crisis, it is possible to transform an infidelity into something that promotes new levels of personal development and greater intimacy. Research suggests as much as 2/3rds of couples survive an affair.

If an infidelity has left you disoriented and confused, Discernment Counseling can help you decide if you want to rebuild or go your separate ways.

Discernment Counseling is also an option for couples dealing with an active affair who are not a good match for traditional couples therapy. If you have been hurt by an infidelity, I can help you decide if you want to work through it. If you are actively engaging in an affair and are unsure if you want to break it off, I can offer a safe and non-judgmental place to seek clarity.

It’s not uncommon for couples to want their relationship to improve AND be skeptical that couples therapy can help. If this is the boat that you’re in, discernment counseling can be an opportunity to test the waters. You can gain an understanding of what needs to change in order for the relationship to be viable, as well as what kind of investment you and your partner would need to make in order to reach your goals.

I personally love working with the “therapy averse!” I pride myself on doing things a tad differently, and building a solid relationship with folks who previously had a lot of fear and anxiety about therapy is one of the most rewarding parts of the job. If you or your partner is unsure about therapy, please reach out and perhaps we can surprise one another!

One reason relationships get stuck is that one partner begins holding the bulk of the dissatisfaction. Like any long-term team endeavor, relational success depends on all parties being motivated and invested. If one partner is pretty much okay with the current situation, save maybe the occasional argument, change is unlikely to occur on its own.

I believe that your relationship has to work for both people or it doesn’t work. Discernment counseling can provide a space to see if we can get both partners aligned without designating the more motivated partner as the “good” one and the less motivated partner the “bad” one.

A common question amongst ambivalent partners is, to quote The Clash, “should I stay or should I go?” The most popular way of answering this question is what I call the “scaled” approach. You put everything you like about your relationship on one side of the metaphorical scale and see if it outweighs everything you want changed.

The drawback to this scaled approach is that it can actually reinforce ambivalence. The balance of the scales may seem to change daily, and both partners can experience the uniquely awful pain of living with someone who is unsure about them.

It turns out that there is a better way than the scaled approach. There is actually a specific set of questions that you and your partner should be asking yourselves regarding your willingness to change, your power dynamics, how you get needs met, and more. In Discernment Counseling, we can begin to ask these questions in order to help clarify each partner’s stance one way or the other.

A common presentation in Discernment Counseling is a partner who has been pleading for change, sometimes for years, who now has a foot out of the door. The other partner, having finally appreciated the severity of their situation, is now all in on saving the relationship but may be wondering if it is too late. In Discernment Counseling, I compassionately recognize both partners’ current place in the relationship and work to provide a realistic assessment of what repair might look like without pressuring our shaming the leaning-out partner.

It’s a common trope in media: a couple separates only to realize through each others’ absence just how important they are to one another. They reunite and live happily ever after!

Although it sounds romantic, if your relationship got to the point of one or both of you calling it off, simply recommitting to one another is unlikely to fix your problems. You need help identifying and rectifying the aspects of your interactions that made the relationship untenable in the first place.

If you’ve separated once — and especially if you find yourself in an “on again/off again” pattern — Discernment Counseling can provide a space for the two of you to decide if you want to try together, this time with support and intention, or else say goodbye in a thoughtful, meaningful way.

Few things are more disorienting than one partner calling off an engagement or wedding. Both partners are likely hurting, albeit for different reasons. The public nature of such a move, which often includes notifying friends and family and cancelling travel plans, can compound the pain and shame.

Yet we also know that such a decision is rarely made lightly (and if it is, the couple likely wasn’t ready for marriage anyway!). Often, there is a lot of love between partners. It’s just that there are also a lot of unanswered questions.

Calling off an engagement or wedding does not necessarily need to be the end of the relationship. Sometimes, a couple can take a step back and regroup before moving forward in their lives together. Discernment Counseling can help the couple re-evaluate their future and either move forward or say goodbye with integrity.