Beneath the Waterline - A Closer Look At Jealousy

This post is a part of my Beneath the Waterline Series, an examination of what is actually occurring when we get beyond the anger, blame, and reactivity that is so prevalent in couple interactions. In this series, I present two very different conversations emanating from the same triggering event. The first is a reactive, unproductive conversation that perpetuates the couple’s sense of disconnection. The second is a more vulnerable, constructive conversation involving softer feelings and longings. These are prototypical examples and do not reflect specific clients of mine, but I hope you can see yourself in here somewhere.

What’s really behind a heated discussion about jealousy?

Here is an example of a reactive exchange between two partners, a Jealous Partner (JP) and a Defensive Partner (DP). Note the escalation, accusations and blaming, the lack of vulnerability and primary feelings, as well as the lack of comforting done on both sides.

JP:  (Accusing tone, harsh start up) You did it again! 

DP: (Mildly annoyed and defensive) Did what? What did I do this time?

JP: (Accusing, blaming) You just looked at that other woman over there.

DP: (deflecting, dismissing, mildly sarcastic): Oh. I mean, yeah, I saw her. She’s wearing a bright red dress. Hard to miss.

JP: (increasingly accusatory) Saw her? You looked her up and down!

DP: (increasingly annoyed, dismissive, condescending) *sighs* Can you just stop? We were having a nice dinner. Why do you always have to ruin things with your made up stories?

JP: (extremely angry) Me!? You’re the one who is always looking at other women while we’re out together! 

DP: (Extremely angry) So what, I’m not allowed to look around the room? You always bite my head off for the smallest things.

JP: (tearful, giving up) You’re just making it so painfully obvious that you don’t care about me. I’ll find my own ride home. (storms off)

DP: (numb and resigned) Fine. Do what you want.

Here’s an example of the same interaction between a Jealous Partner (JP) and a Comforting Partner (CP), perhaps after a few weeks of couples therapy! This time, the Jealous Partner avoids accusations and blame and speaks instead from her own experience. She solicits comfort from her partner and he responds generously. The Comforting Partner shares his own vulnerable feelings and the momentary disconnect becomes an opportunity for the couple to deepen their bond. 

JP: (taking a deep breath, calmly, soft startup) Hey babe, I’m having an amazing time with you tonight, but I have to tell you that I’m having a stab of jealousy. I think I saw you look at that other woman over there. I know it's hard to talk about but I’d rather tell you than let it fester all night.

CP: (turning towards, tuning in and attentive; holding space without correcting or judgment) I’m glad you told me. I know we’ve talked about this being a vulnerability of yours. Would you like to tell me more about what’s going on for you?

JP: (relaxing, opening up) Things have been going really well but I guess in the back of my mind I’m worried things won’t work out between us. We’ve been on and off for awhile and I really want to make it work this time. I care about you and I’m probably a little over vigilant because you’re so important to me. When I think I see you looking at someone else, I kind of lose it. It’s a lot of difficult feelings. I know in the past I’ve gotten angry and accusatory, but deep down I’m just scared I’ll lose you again. I guess I could just use a little reassurance.

CP: (grabs hand, comforting) Thanks so much for sharing that with me. My heart breaks to think something I did causes you such distress. I care about you and want this to work, too. You are very important to me and no one compares to you.

JP: (reassured, smiling) Thank you, I feel better. I know it’s not easy for you to hear so I appreciate you listening.

CP: (relaxed, vulnerable) It’s not easy to hear, but that’s only because you’re so important to me, too. I know in the past I’ve gotten angry and defensive and haven’t been very reassuring. I want you to know that underneath that I was feeling a lot of fear and inadequacy. The worst feeling in the world for me is feeling like I can’t meet your needs. I cope with that by getting angry and argumentative, which I know is the exact opposite of what you need in those moments. I’m working on that, and it really helps me when we can talk like this, without me feeling blamed.

JP: (tuned into partner’s vulnerability) I don’t want you to feel inadequate any more than I want to feel jealous. You are enough and I love being with you. Let’s work on this cycle together, ok?
CP: Absolutely!

Aaaaand scene!

Hopefully you can see what a difference it makes to focus on softer feelings and longings versus reactive feelings and blame. Of course, this example is a stylized, highly-skilled couple, and an actual conversation may be a little (or a lot!) messier than this. But I maintain that good skills implemented poorly are a thousand times better than bad skills practiced perfectly! With a little practice, your conversations can look a lot more like the second example than the first.

Happy relating!

Hayden